Harry Potter in the Labyrinth
by Kaywinnit
Summary: Labyrinth HP style :) Still needs editing, and it's just a quick little parody that popped into my head. Please let me know if I should continue. Rated R for obvious snark that will inevitably be forthcoming (usual disclaimer about JKR's characters her


Harry Potter in the Labyrinth

Our story opens with a rather lovely brown haired, green eyed boy, in a clearing. Resplendent in black robes, he begins to recite...

"Give me my friend....through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle, beyond the forbidden forest....to take back the friend which you have stolen..." He steps forward, expression stern. "For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great!" Thunder threatens, and he looks skyward, gives a great sigh. He thinks hard to himself, but his memory fails him. "Merlin's beard!" he sighs, "I can never remember that line..." He pulls a parchment from his pocket and consults it, iterating what he reads, "You have no power over me."

A huge, drooling dog sitting nearby begins to bark. "Oh Fang," he sighs, looking at him pitifully. The clock at the church down the way chimes, and he looks up. "Oh no, Fang! I don't believe it, it's seven o'clock! Come on," he calls just as the sky opens up. He and the great, drooling beast run back to the end rowhouse, soaked to the skin by the time they arrive. A large snowy owl perched in a tree limb watches them mysteriously. "Oh it's not fair!" he exclaims as he reaches the front door.

A horse-faced woman stands just inside, hands on her hips. "Oh really," she sighs."I'm sorry," the boy whines.  
"Well don't stand there in the rain, come on," the woman scolds, leading him inside.  
"Alright, come on Fang," the boy beckons.  
The elder lady points sternly outside, "Not that ugly, drooling dog! We should have never let you bring that mangy thing home from school."  
"But it's pouring!" the boy argues.  
The stern woman points again, "Go on! I'll have no dog in my house!" Fang forlornly skulks away, dripping.

The boy stomps into the foyer as the woman scolds, "Harry, you're an hour late..."  
"I said I'm sorry," Harry sighs.  
"Please, let me finish," Aunt Petunia says loudly, "your uncle and I go out very rarely..."  
"You go out every single weekend," Harry whines.  
"And I ask you to watch over Dudley only if it won't interfere with your plans," his aunt continues.  
"Well how do you know," Harry argues, "you don't know what my plans are. You don't even ask me anymore."  
"Well I assume you'd tell me if you had a date," Petunia defends, "I'd like it if you had a date. You should have dates at your age."  
"Ah, the brat, you're back," Harry hears his Uncle Vernon's voice as he enters the room, Dudley in tow, "not that we worry about you, we just don't want to be late.  
"I can't do anything right, can I?" Harry yells as he stomps unhappily up the steps.

Vernon turns to Petunia, who appears upset.  
"He treats me like a wicked stepmother in a fairy story no matter what I say," she complains."I'll go threaten him," Vernon says and heads up the stairs.

Harry sits in his dark room alone, surrounded by his most prized possessions, all of which have some bearing on this story, because he'll encounter most of them, in some other twisted form, as he works his way through it. "Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered," he mutters to himself, seemingly obsessed with the words on this parchment he carries at all times. "I have fought my way here to the castle, beyond the forbidden forest..." Near him, a scrapbook lays open, pictures of his parents pasted all inside, as he rifles his hair in the mirror, and continues, "...to take back the friend that you have stolen."

There's a knock on the door, and Vernon's voice, "Harry, you insolent brat, are you listening to me?"  
He rolls his eyes. "Go away, you great, fat oaf," he spits, having a hissy fit and tossing his things about the room, "You better hurry or you're gonna be late!"  
"Dudder's had two helpings of dinner and is lying down for a nap," he hears his uncle bellow, "you take care of him while we're gone, we'll be back around midnight. And NO MAGIC!"  
"I'll take care of him, alright," Harry says to himself, plotting what torture he might inflict over the next several hours. He flops on his bed, looks over to notice his cd player is missing.  
"Fat bastard," he mutters, "been in my room again. I hate that porculent little..." He rushes from the room, bursting into Dudley's.

Finding his cd player cast aside on the floor, he picks it up and cradles it lovingly, "I hate you! I hate you!" he screams at his cousin. "Someone save me! Someone take me away from this awful place!" Thunder and lightning crash outside, severely adding to the dramatic effect of Harry's current tantrum. Dudley begins crying like a two year old, completely convinced Harry's anger has brought the storm to bear.  
Harry turns to Dudley, "What do you want? More cake?" He paces the room angrily, "You'll settle for a story. Once upon a time..." He glared at Dudley who had begun to drool from fear. "There was a fine young boy who's repugnant aunt and uncle always made him stay home with his obese, disgusting cousin. And the cousin was a spoiled child, and he wanted everything for himself, and the young boy was practically a slave. But what no one knew, is that the Smarmy King hated the boy, but the boy had been given certain powers. So one night, when he'd had enough of the way his cousin smelled, the boy made a wish. He wished for the Smarmy King to come and take the cousin away, and turn him into a goblin. And the boy would be free."

When Harry looked over at Dudley, he was crying, whimpering, even. And he saw a distinctly dark spot on his trousers that hadn't been there before. He smirked, knowing he had literally scared the piss out of his cousin, and he went to leave the room. "I wish the Smarmy King would come and take you away, right now," he spat over his shoulder. And the crying immediately stopped.

Harry turned back to the room and found Dudley had vanished. "Hah!" he said to himself, "Should have done that years ago."

A furious clap of thunder and the window blew open. In flew Hedwig, flapping franticly about his head. "Hedwig! What are you doing? Stop that!" he yelled, and Hedwig flapped back toward the window, casting a shadow on the floor. As Harry looked at it, the shadow transformed into the shape of a man. He wore glittery blue robes, underneath were a flashy green sequined vest, and tan pants that seemed to be intentionally fashioned to draw attention to the great bulge in his pants that Harry was certain must be a pair of rolled up tube socks."A little early for Halloween isn't it? Who the hell are you pretending to be?" Harry laughed.  
The man was tall, thin, had piercing grey eyes, and long blonde hair. He smirked, "You know very well who I am."  
"Ordinarily I'd say you're that prat Lucius Malfoy, but he has better fashion sense," Harry said snidely. "And what is that?" he pointed, "Packing an extra pair in case your feet get wet later?"  
Lucius rolled his eyes, it was obvious Harry wasn't playing along with the parody, "I'm the Smarmy King, you moron."  
"I'm not the one wearing Liberace's hand-me-downs, so who's the moron here?" Harry jabbed.  
"I've taken your cousin Dudley," Lucius the Smarmy King said flatly.  
"And?"  
"I'll turn him into a goblin if you don't rescue him in thirteen hours," Lucius explained.  
Harry laughed, "He's already a goblin, why don't you turn him into a human?"  
Lucius the great Smarmy King stamped his foot impatiently, "Dammit why do you have to be such a smartass?"  
"Look," Harry said in an exasperated tone, "this works for me. I want Dudley gone and you took him. I don't see a problem." He turned to leave.  
Lucius sighed desperately, "Fine. If you must know, I've also taken your beloved Weasley, alright?"  
Harry stopped and turned, "You can't take Ron. He's my comic relief."  
"Harry," Lucius adopted a serious, dramatic air, "go back to your room. Play with your video games and forget about your Weasley."  
"I can't," Harry sighed, "You've upped the stakes, I suppose I have to play along now. Just one thing though."  
"Yes yes, what is it?" Lucius spat, "let's get on with it."  
"I think you're my owl," Harry sneered.  
Lucius laughed heartily, "Disturbing isn't it? I've seen all sorts of things from her eyes, in fact this morning as you were in the bath I saw..."  
Harry held up his hand, "I know what you saw, you sick perv."

The wind whipped around them and suddenly Harry was standing in what seemed like a wasteland. A clock stood there, and when he noticed it had 13 numbers on it, he immediately shouted, "Hey, now that's cool."  
"Yes," Lucius smiled, "and it runs backwards! Isn't it impressive?" He cleared his throat. "Anyway, look there." He pointed. Harry's gaze followed the direction of his finger and saw Hogwarts in the distance, far beyond a vast labyrinth of forest. "Weasley is there, in my castle."  
"Great," Harry stated, "and I have to get there in thirteen hours, blah blah blah. Fine."  
"Time is short," Lucius said before popping off into thin air.


End file.
